I’ve been in that situation. I’m sure you have too.
It’s the “manager’s stomach ache.” You have an employee on your team who you genuinely like as a person. They’re kind, they’re a great cultural fit, but… their work is just not up to par. A deadline slips. Then another. You have to have “the talk,” and you dread it.
You feel like you have to make a choice.
Do you be the “kind” leader? Do you show compassion, be lenient, and avoid the conflict, hoping it gets better on its own?
Or do you be the “effective” leader? Do you “get tough,” lay down the law, and hold them accountable, even if it feels harsh and uncaring?
This is the false choice that traps so many managers. We believe we have to choose between being compassionate or being accountable.
This struggle became even more real after 2020. As the original version of this post wisely noted, “Since the beginning of the Pandemic, leaders across the board have been working hard to ensure they act with empathy.” We were all “trying to catch a collective breath.” “Navigating such unprecedented times meant that leaders had to express compassion at every stage, and be lenient with deadlines and employee performances.”
But now, in this new world of work, leaders have a new problem. “They are now wondering how to balance compassion for their team members with effective accountability.”
Here is the good news, and it is the most important lesson I have learned in my leadership career: These don’t need to be mutually exclusive.
In fact, I now believe the exact opposite. True, genuine compassion requires accountability. And accountability without compassion is just tyranny.
Letting a team member fail slowly because you are too afraid to have a clear, kind conversation is not compassion. It is “Ruinous Empathy.” It’s the least compassionate thing you can do.
I’ve learned to stop seeing them as opposites. I now see them as two parts of a single, powerful framework: Compassionate Accountability.
This is the guide I wish I’d had. I’ll walk you through the mindset shift we have to make, and then give you the 5 step playbook I use for having these critical conversations. This is the framework that lets you be both kind and clear, and it is the secret to building high performing, highly engaged teams.
Part 1: The Mindset Shift (Why We Get It Wrong)
Table of Contents
Why is this so hard? We get it wrong because we are trapped in that false dichotomy. We are afraid of two things: being a “jerk” and being a “pushover.”
The best model for this comes from Kim Scott’s “Radical Candor.” It’s a simple 2×2 matrix that visualizes our problem.
Imagine an X axis (Accountability) and a Y axis (Compassion).
Quadrant 1: Ruinous Empathy (High Compassion, Low Accountability)
This is the “nice” manager. This is where most of us live, because we want to be liked. We show deep compassion, but we fail to hold people accountable. You are “being too lenient.”
- The Result: The underperformer you’re “sparing” is blindsided when they are eventually fired or passed over for promotion. And just as bad, your high performers see this. They get frustrated, disengaged, and resentful because they see that mediocrity is tolerated. Your “kindness” to one person is actually cruelty to your best people.
Quadrant 2: Obnoxious Aggression (Low Compassion, High Accountability)
This is the “jerk” boss. The “stricter approach.” This manager has no problem holding people accountable, but does it with zero compassion.
- The Result: You might get short term results, but you create a culture of fear, blame, and low psychological safety. People are afraid to innovate, admit mistakes, or ask for help. This is a toxic, “command and control” style that kills engagement.
Quadrant 3: Manipulative Insincerity (Low, Low)
This is the worst of both worlds. The passive aggressive manager. We don’t need to spend time here.
Quadrant 4: Compassionate Accountability (High, High)
This is the goal. This is where you are both kind and clear. This is where you “Care Personally” and “Challenge Directly.”
This is the manager who says, “I care about you as a person, and I am also going to be crystal clear about the standard of work we need to achieve, because I am committed to your success.”
To do this, we must redefine our terms:
- Empathy is: “I feel with you. I understand your emotion.”
- Compassion is: “I feel with you, and I am committed to helping you succeed.”
- Accountability is: “Because I am committed to your success, I must be clear about the gap between your actions and the standard we’ve agreed to.”
That is the bridge. Compassion is not just a “nice thing to do.” As the University of Michigan’s Jane Dutton says, “People’s response to compassion is often to invest more in the organization.” It is the gateway to high performance.
Part 2: The 5 Step Playbook for a Compassionate Accountability Conversation
Okay, so we’ve bought into the mindset. But what do you actually say?
This is the “how to.” This is the playbook for addressing underperformance. It’s how you “set the right boundaries” and have the tough conversation in a way that builds the relationship instead of breaking it.
Step 1: Start with Compassion & Curiosity (Seek to Understand)
This is not an ambush. This is not a “gotcha” moment. This is a “reach out to them” moment. You are starting with the “compassion” part of the equation.
You must be genuinely curious. Assume they are a “good person struggling with a resolvable issue,” as the original post suggested.
- Bad Script (Accusation): “Why are your reports late again?”
- Good Script (Observation & Curiosity): “I’ve noticed your reports have been late the last two Fridays. That’s not like you. Is everything okay?”
This script “initiate conversations” and makes “them feel comfortable enough to share their challenges with you.” You are inviting them into a dialogue, not a fight.
Step 2: State the Gap Clearly (The Accountability Part)
Once you have listened, you must be crystal clear about the problem. This is the accountability. You must use facts and behaviors, not judgments and personalities.
- Bad Script (Personality Judgment): “You’re being lazy and unreliable.”
- Good Script (Behavioral Fact): “Thank you for sharing that. I want to be clear about the standard we have to meet. The standard we agreed on as a team is that all reports are submitted by 5 PM on Friday. The last two reports were submitted on Monday morning. That’s the gap I need us to solve.”
This is clear. It’s undeniable. And it’s not personal.
Step 3: Explain the “Why” (Connect Behavior to Impact)
This is the critical link. Many managers skip this. The employee must understand why this matters. This isn’t about arbitrary rules; it’s about the team.
- Bad Script (Threat): “If this happens again, there will be consequences.”
- Good Script (Ripple Effect): “When your report is late on Friday, it means the finance team cannot close their books over the weekend. That, in turn, delays our client invoicing, which affects our cash flow. It also means your teammates can’t move forward on their part of the project. We are an ecosystem, and this behavior impacts the whole team.”
This is how you “help your team find purpose in their work.” You “remind them of the positive impact they are making.” You show them how their accountability is essential to the team’s shared mission.
Step 4: Co-Create the Solution (The Path Forward)
Now that the problem is clear, you must pivot to the solution. A “jerk” boss tells them the fix. A “compassionate” leader asks them. This creates ownership and empowerment.
- Bad Script (Telling): “So, you just need to manage your time better. I expect it to be on time next week.”
- Good Script (Asking): “What are the obstacles that are getting in your way of meeting that 5 PM deadline?” “What is your plan for ensuring this is on time next week?” “What support do you need from me to make that plan successful?”
This is how you “help them handle their personal and professional lives better.” You are acting as their partner in success, not their parole officer.
Step 5: Follow Up (Close the Accountability Loop)
This is the non negotiable step that makes the whole framework stick. You must close the loop.
- Bad Script (Hoping): “Great, glad we talked. Let me know if it’s a problem again.” (This puts the burden back on them).
- Good Script (Accountability): “Okay, this is a great plan. So, you are going to . And I am going to . Let’s schedule a brief 10 minute check in next Friday morning just to see how the new plan worked. How does that sound?”
This is compassionate. It’s clear. It’s supportive. And it’s 100% accountable. If, “even after repeated conversations and follow ups, someone continues to underperform, you will have a decision to make.” And you can make that hard decision knowing you gave them every compassionate chance to succeed.
Part 3: A Note for the Leader: Take Care of Yourself
This might surprise you, but the original post had a brilliant final point: “self care is an essential part of effective leadership.”
You cannot be a compassionate leader if you are burned out. You cannot hold others accountable if you are running on empty. “It’s easy to lose yourself in your role as the manager.” But as the saying goes, “You cannot pour from an empty cup.”
You are “a human being yourself.” The stress of this new world is “impacting you just the same.”
To be a great leader, you must “be mindful of your own needs, to be able to give your team your 100%.” This means you must “ensure that you have a healthy routine, get adequate sleep, take the required time off, and have the support you need.”
This is not selfish. It is the prerequisite for being the kind, clear, and resilient leader your team needs.
Conclusion: The Kindest Thing a Leader Can Do
For years, I thought “being nice” was the kindest way to lead. I was wrong.
Being clear is kind. Being ambiguous is cruel.
Allowing someone to fail because you’re afraid of a 15 minute uncomfortable conversation is not compassion. It’s cowardice.
True, compassionate leadership is having the courage to “Care Personally” and “Challenge Directly.” It’s investing in your people’s success by holding them to a high standard. It’s “being confronted with their individual victories,” which “will act as a booster shot for your team, and motivate them further.”
A Takeaway for L&D and HR Professionals: “Compassionate Accountability” is not a personality trait. It is a skill. It is a set of behaviors and a framework that can be taught, practiced, and mastered. Our job is to give our managers the tools and the permission to stop being “nice” and start being truly kind. That is how we build cultures of trust, resilience, and high performance.
If you’re ready to equip your leaders with the skills to have these critical conversations, explore our solutions in Manager Capability Development and Having Tough Conversations to build a more accountable and compassionate team.
