Working with managers and teams across industries, one consistent challenge has stood out for us: how do you enable team members without solving all their problems for them? How do you lead without becoming a bottleneck?
That’s why The Coaching Habit by Michael Bungay Stanier continues to resonate with us, even years after it was published. When I first picked it up, I expected a book on leadership or performance improvement. What I got was something far more personal and practical. It is not a lecture on what coaching should be. It is a guide to making coaching doable in real time, within real conversations, in the middle of our very real and very chaotic workdays.
At its heart are seven everyday questions that any manager can use to build a coaching habit. In this post, we walk through why coaching matters, each of the seven questions, and what we’ve seen work on the ground with teams and leaders.
Why Coaching as a Habit Matters
Stanier opens with a truth many of us in L&D already know: managers get trapped in unproductive patterns. He calls these the three vicious cycles, and building a coaching habit is how you break them.
The Overdependence Cycle
When managers constantly provide answers, team members become dependent. A coaching habit shifts this by reinforcing autonomy and mastery, and by encouraging people to solve before they ask. Over time, the goal is a team that can stand on its own, which is why the best leaders aim to become irrelevant to day-to-day decisions.
The Overwhelm Cycle
We’ve seen leaders burn out because they’re stuck solving everyone else’s issues. Coaching helps managers pause, delegate better, and regain focus on the work that truly drives business impact.
The Disconnection Cycle
When people forget why they do what they do, motivation dips. Coaching helps reconnect individuals and teams to the purpose of their work, and gives them the courage to step out beyond their comfort zone.
Also Read: The Inner Game: An Exceptional Coaching Tool
The 7 Essential Coaching Questions
Stanier offers seven deceptively simple questions that form the spine of a good coaching conversation. Each one, in our experience, holds depth and the power to shift the dynamic between a manager and a team member. These are not tricks or scripts. They are tools that help managers be more present, teams be more thoughtful, and conversations feel more human.
1. The Kickstart Question: “What’s on your mind?”
This is a gentle yet powerful opener. It invites the coachee to get to the heart of the matter and share what’s most important to them. It shows that you trust them, gives them the autonomy to choose, and still keeps the focus on what matters most.
Its biggest advantage is that it stops the conversation from drifting. A coaching conversation that starts badly can slide into extended small talk or default assumptions without ever reaching the real issue. To go deeper, Stanier suggests the 3P framework for finding the heart of the matter:
- Projects: The work at hand. It could be issues related to resources, approvals, timelines and so on.
- People: The people the coachee works with, and specifically the relationships that affect their work.
- Patterns: Observable patterns of behavior and practice that are hindering progress. Often the hardest to discover, these frequently turn out to be the crux of the issue.
And what is the hardest thing to do when someone tells us what’s on their mind? Controlling the “Advice Monster” in us. Which leads to the next question.
2. The A.W.E. Question: “And what else?”
This one’s a game-changer, and arguably the most important question in a coaching conversation.
Too often, managers jump in with advice. We’ve noticed this “Advice Monster” tendency even in the most well-intentioned leaders. This question has two distinct advantages. First, it stops us from jumping in with solutions the moment someone has told us what’s on their mind. Second, it opens up more insights, more wisdom and more possibilities. It signals that the manager is listening, not just waiting to talk, and it can be used alongside every other question too.
Stanier cites research by Paul Nutt, who studied 168 decisions made within organizations. In 71% of them, the choice was binary – essentially, should we do this or not? And decisions framed as binary choices had a failure rate of more than 50%. The A.W.E. question helps by surfacing more options to work with.
It can sometimes open up a Pandora’s box of issues. In our workshops, we use this question to deepen role plays, and participants discover more layers in a scenario just by staying curious a little longer. These are exactly the skills we build in our Coaching for Performance programs.
3. The Focus Question: “What’s the real challenge here for you?”
This one question shifted the way I look at problem-solving.
We often meet people in the middle of a storm. They are overwhelmed, multitasking, and unable to sort through everything that is on their mind. As coaches or managers, our instinct is to help. But helping too soon can lead us to solve the wrong problem. The Focus Question cuts through the clutter and centers the conversation.
Why it matters:
- The word real encourages the speaker to go deeper.
- The phrase for you shifts the lens to personal ownership.
Stanier explains three patterns that often block clarity:
- Proliferation: Too many issues competing for attention.
- Ghost coaching: Focusing on someone else or an external factor who is not in the room.
- Abstraction: Getting lost in vague or philosophical complaints.
I have seen all of these firsthand. Asking “What’s the real challenge here for you?” helps people pause, take a breath, and reflect on what really matters.
Workplace reflection: Try asking this question in your next one-on-one. Let silence do some of the work.
Also Read: Helping Employees Find Their True Potential
4. The Foundation Question: “What do you want?”
I remember the first time I asked this question in a coaching conversation. The person paused for a full thirty seconds before responding. Not because the question was difficult, but because no one had asked them that directly in a long time.
This question goes beyond surface-level goals. It digs into desire, identity, and unmet needs. Stanier differentiates between wants and needs, and that nuance is critical.
- A want might sound like, “I want more visibility.”
- A need might be, “I need to feel recognized.”
Understanding the difference helps you coach more meaningfully. It also helps the other person feel seen. Stanier draws on Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication, and his list of universal human needs. Asking “What do you want?” can begin to surface those unspoken truths.
Tip: Stay curious a little longer. When someone responds to this question, ask, “Why is that important to you?”
5. The Lazy Question: “How can I help?”
This is one of my favorites, because it flips a common leadership instinct on its head. Many of us feel that being helpful means jumping in, fixing problems, or doing the heavy lifting ourselves. But that is not help. That is rescue. And over time, it leads to dependency.
Stanier calls this “The Lazy Question” not because it is dismissive, but because it encourages leaders to stop over-functioning. By asking “How can I help?” we give ownership back to the person in front of us. We also give ourselves permission to say no, to set boundaries, and to be specific.
Two hidden benefits:
- The other person must clarify their request.
- We avoid the trap of assuming we know best.
Early in my leadership journey, I used to overcommit. Every request felt urgent. Every problem felt like mine to solve. Asking this one question helped me pause, recalibrate, and respond with intention.
Workplace reflection: Helping is not about doing more. It is about enabling others to do better.
6. The Strategic Question: “If you’re saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?”
This question adds structure to good intentions.
We say yes to new goals, new tasks, new collaborations, and before we know it, we are underwater. This question forces a pause. It asks us to consider tradeoffs before we commit. The 3P lens works well here too:
- Projects: What tasks or deadlines need to be moved or declined?
- People: What expectations or responsibilities need to be renegotiated?
- Patterns: What habits, beliefs, or routines must change?
I used this recently while mentoring someone on our team. They were excited to take on a new initiative, but already stretched thin. When I asked, “What would you need to stop doing in order to say yes to this?” their entire approach shifted. They reprioritized and executed with greater focus.
Also Read: Why Training Alone Isn’t Enough
7. The Learning Question: “What was most useful for you?”
Stanier saves the quietest, most reflective question for last. This is how you end a meaningful coaching moment, not with advice, but with insight.
This question achieves three things:
- It helps the coachee integrate what they just experienced.
- It gives the coach feedback without asking, “Did I do well?”
- It reminds both parties that insight matters more than advice.
I now use this question at the end of most learning sessions. Whether it is a workshop, a peer conversation, or even a project debrief, it invites reflection. Sometimes the answers surprise me. People find value in something I almost overlooked. That is the beauty of learning. It is deeply personal.
Workplace reflection: Learning happens not when we speak, but when someone else reflects.
Summary: The Seven Questions That Can Change How You Lead
Here is a quick recap of all seven coaching questions from The Coaching Habit:
- Kickstart Question – What’s on your mind?
- A.W.E. Question – And what else?
- Focus Question – What’s the real challenge here for you?
- Foundation Question – What do you want?
- Lazy Question – How can I help?
- Strategic Question – If you’re saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?
- Learning Question – What was most useful for you?
Each of these can be used in five-minute conversations, over coffee, during a one-on-one, or even in written feedback. You do not need a coaching certification to apply them. You just need the mindset of someone who listens to understand, not just respond.
Why This Matters in Today’s Workplace
Too many workplaces still confuse coaching with performance correction. But true coaching is about growth. It is about building confidence, clarity, and ownership.
In hybrid work cultures, in rapidly changing roles, and in teams where time is tight, these seven questions offer a structure that is simple and scalable. They allow you to:
- Coach in the moment
- Keep conversations focused
- Help people think for themselves
- Reduce decision bottlenecks
- Improve psychological safety and trust in teams
In short, they help you build the kind of culture that grows with its people. At FocusU, we’ve embedded these questions into leadership development journeys and seen real change in both culture and performance.
Final Reflection: Ask More, Talk Less
When I first tried these questions, I found myself itching to offer ideas. But with practice, I learned to wait. To listen longer. To trust that the person in front of me had more insight than I assumed.
That changed everything.
These questions are not just for managers. They are for anyone who wants to support growth without controlling it. For anyone who believes that learning is more powerful when it is self-driven. And for anyone who wants to lead with empathy, not ego.
So here is my invitation to you. Pick one question. Use it today. See what opens up.
Because sometimes, the best way to make a difference is not by giving answers, but by asking the right question.
If you want to build a coaching culture across your managers, explore our Coaching for Performance programs and One-to-One Coaching, or talk to our team.
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